you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
