sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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