im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
