If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
