In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
