Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Holy sore nipples Batman
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
