Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
