i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
