I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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