My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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