Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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