Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
