So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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