strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
