Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
