Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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