I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
