Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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