Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
