I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
