We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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