he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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