ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
