I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
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I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
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Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.