Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
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It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
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You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.