I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
