grandma shit on top of the toilet
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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