I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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