Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
