dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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