Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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