So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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