you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
