My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
