It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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