Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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