Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
