$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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