Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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