and she was petting her beer can
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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