I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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