Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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