there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
