Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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