the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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