Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
