you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
