if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
