I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
