I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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