You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
