Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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