you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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