Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
