Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
